Christmas Night

  

Painting by Taryn Hessee

   I am feeling a little sick tonight. I probably overdid the buffalo chicken dip and I think I am probably a little dehydrated as well. I made the grand mistake of watching The Fault in Our Stars. I always remember the romantic, falling in love part, and forget the heart-twisting ugly cry last 30 minutes of the movie. So now my head hurts and it didn't help with the loneliness I was feeling. And I feel jealous. I mean it's not fair that we can't all be beautiful and fall in love. Men complain that they can't get a good-looking woman unless they have money, but you know some of us women just want to try out a good-looking man. Which we can't get without having good looks. It's so gross this world:). I mean maybe we could get sex, but who wants just sex? Not me. I want the good looking man to adore me, obviously.  Anyway, I am feeling blue. Year two without much feeling Christmas spirit whatsoever. I am not sure what is happening. It's like something has changed and I can't get the feeling. 

    I miss hanging out with my mom on Christmas night. Liam was disappointed in his gifts. Even Alec said Santa didn't bring much this year. I pointed out that the laser tag set he brought was considered a big gift even though it isn't physically big. Gabe has been waiting for the new xbox and we just could not get it to work. So now I have to drive to Walmart early to try and exchange it. I have to take the kids to my ex-inlaws for Christmas. Their grandpa had a stroke and though he is home again, he won't be driving to Springfield for a while. So the only time they can see their dad is when I drive out there. Which sucks. I really relish the times when they pick them up for a few hours. I always wished they would have the boys spend the weekend at their place in the country, but for some reason, they never would. It's kind of weird to me, but whatever. My room smells like cat pee, but my nose is still stuffy enough I can't figure out where it is coming from to clean it up. I hope it isn't in the laundry baskets. I should just rewash everything at this point. I need to mop up the floors, but I don't have a mop, because the boys break EVERY SINGLE MOP AND BROOM I BUY. EVERY TIME. I don't have the words the describe the destructive force of having three boys in one house. 

    I am pretty sure I am depressed which is odd, because I am taking my Lexapro fairly regularly. But maybe it is just a temporary sadness and I need to ride it out. I do need to get more exercise. Maybe I will take a walk tomorrow. I am struggling financially which is my own fault, but I am getting tired of trying to climb back to a better place. I want to sell the house and start over, but I don't know how to make the repairs and get the house minimalized while we are still living here. And I can't make two payments. I am sort of stuck. Financially the best choice is just to keep the house and keep clawing myself back up, but I am so tired of working nights and weekends. Even driving a car is exhausting and the boys need me at home. And I can't keep depending on my ex-husband's parents for money. Also I get lonely, and I think an apartment with people all around me would feel nice. Of course, there is a greater risk of bedbugs in an apartment, so I need to consider that. I am not interested in most shows. The new season of Virgin River is out and Outlander, but I just don't care. It's probably just the wintry blues. I need a new obsession to preoccupy my thoughts so I am not thinking of me. Instead I could think of me in a made up alternate universe. Sigh. We only used our Silver Dollar City season passes once this year. I just couldn't get motivated to go. I am sick of the single mother thing. I mean being married can be awful, too, but everything just takes so much more energy on one's own. But it's better than being shackled to the wrong man. I need to remember that. 

    I wish I could afford a trip somewhere. Planning and anticipating that would perk me up. My car is getting too old for road trips. And I want to go somewhere far. I want to go to London. Anyway, here I am complaining and I can't say the half that is really on my mind because so many things can't really be said, can they? They just sit there and weigh on our mind and we say all the other things, but never really hit the real issue. But escape awaits. Soon I will turn out my light, concede to putting off my chores for one more day, turn on my side and hope for quick sleep. And dreams are free and unpredictable. It may be the best time of the day.

Merry Christmas.