She's Back-and she's , well, that remains to be seen!

                                                            Photo by NOAA on Unsplash

 Sunday in the throes of emotional pain (I am exaggerating), but shame nonetheless, I unpublished all my blog posts. I will never be famous; I will never be beloved. NONE of my blogs lately have had merit or value. They have been whiny and rambling and essentially just noise adding the overly cluttered universe around us. 

 Then today, I had a little reminder that this feeling (while there may be some truth to it), was just my unbalanced hormones affecting my serotonin levels. I really wasn't keeping track-and when you are my age there really is no keeping track-it could be four weeks, it could be three months. The thing is, it isn't really, really bad unless I have some underlying mild depression. And my life is going pretty well right now. Since nothing was too bad, I wasn't really looking for this issue. So here I am, my mood lifting slowly, feeling pretty excited because the next two weeks should be the bestest. 

I do have to address the unposting of my blog. It's a problem. I don't understand this level of shame I subject myself to when I put my words out there. What am I afraid of? Someone not liking me? Lots of people probably don't like me. It isn't as if they are going to storm my house and point their pitchforks at me and berate me for my emotional inconsistencies and odd thoughts. We all know this comes down to growing up in a home where shame was overused and then integrating into my own self-management systems as I learned to navigate the world with a lacking toolbox of social skills.  As I have gotten older shame over my actions doesn't bother me much, however, I find shame over expressing myself to be absolutely mortifying. And yet self-expression and feeling understood is what I crave so badly. And admired for my amazingness, of course ;). I don't know. It just pisses me off that I am this old and still wading through the same murky waters.

And then, someone will respond with care and I push them off by backing away with a joke. It's so frustrating, and so hard to see in the moment. 

Anyhoo, lifelong personality struggles aside, all is okay. I have some ideas floating around in my head that I want to talk about on A Mighty Queen, but I have been holding back, because my belief systems will annoy some people. I have GOT to stop caring-or at least learn to put the caring in its place (which is not the forefront of my brain). But I think it's natural. Humans are social creatures. Fitting into society, especially as a woman without the protection of a man, is really important to my inner neanderthal. She wants be safe and secure. Modern day me wants to be expressive and potentially divisive. So there is this tug of war between playing it safe and being myself and I just end up looking inconsistent in the meantime.

I NEED to make myself a list of what to do when I am feeling what. Otherwise it all gets lost in the mess and I revert to past behaviors.

Now, I know you all are dying to know: How is my hyperfixation on Timothee Chalamet going? Welllllllllll.

I just can't with the Kylie Jenner. I can't. It makes me question his public persona completely. Like maybe he is the ass that people from his past suggest. Maybe he isn't deep and emotional and sweet. The bad teenage rapping already had me questioning his true self, but I was willing to consider it to be a generational thing because he has a hot face (well from some angles. From others he's like the dweeby cousin who won't go away). Maybe he just likes the money and the fame. Or maybe together they are loving and sweet and happy, but no. Gross. I can't. Plus, I saw this interview with this young woman, and he was staring her in the eyes, and I am melting thinking, oh wow, he is really attentive and connecting, but then...I started to wonder, was he just trying to sleep with her? There is this huge rumor that he slept with a lot of people at NYU. And that's fine, that's his business. However, that is not the guy  I want to follow and keep up with. So, anyway, it's time for something new. Hopefully I will find a new interest that is not human and if it is, perhaps over the age of "still a kid to me."

:)