It's Not Raining, It's Not Pouring, but It's 12:30 in the Morning

Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

 I awoke! I awoke hard and sweaty.  Hmm. That doesn't sound right. Anyway, I awoke at midnight, certain morning was nigh. My craving for coffee hit, and what a conundrum. But alas! I remembered the bag of decaffeinated coffee, and so permitted myself to indulge. Actually, it just finished brewing, I need to go get it.

    Yesterday was difficult. Alec had had a bad earache and sore throat the night before, and I was thankful that I had an excuse to miss work. We were having a staff meeting and social anxiety was hitting hard. However, he awoke in much less pain, and I pushed myself to go to work. 

    And I was obnoxious. When I am feeling anxious about my performance or socially anxious, I tend to get verbally rebellious and obnoxious. It's like a cloak of ignorance I drape over my shoulders. It is very immature, but I struggle to see it in the moment. I think I am showing myself how little I care as a way to soothe myself, but when I snuggle in to bed early, and start to doze, the ridiculousness of all my comments hits me. I have to stop being rebellious against silly things. I have to stop the urge to run away when I am feeling like a failure, professionally and socially. It might feel protective in the immediate moment, but in the long run, it leads to a bad attitude, seeming lack of loyalty, and distancing myself. So I awoke, sweaty, and wanting to fix all my wrongs immediately. 

    All I can really do at this moment, is write about it to soothe my feelings and let it go, and focus my eyes on higher goals. I need to step away from feeling, and the fearful avoidant behavior it causes in me, and step into thinking and planning. This is my analysis of what is happening anyway. It isn't like I'd pay for therapy when, yo! There's shoes to be bought! Seriously, though. Single mom thing in an expensive economy.

    I am not sure if the Lexapro is working for the PMDD. I started it along with iron and Vitamin D, too, due to blood tests results, and I DO have more energy. I have gotten back into doing a kitchen cleanup every night, and I had been slacking on that. I know I could train the boys, but I am struggling with being outnumbered. It has been mostly about survival this winter. I felt a little too grumpy, no-nonsense with my class. I do need to tighten up my routines and expectations, I struggle because I am a little rebellious, so I get where they are coming from, but at the same time, they are young and will not always choose what is best for themselves in the long run. I have to set that tone and hold to it. I also feel as if I am not doing a very good job teaching them. And it hurts because I do love to teach. I just need to make it more engaging. I don't get a lot of feedback from anyone, other than it's all about relationships. So that may be what I need to focus on along with making it more engaging. I need to tighten up AND be warmer. 
So, there's a plan.  Anyway, I have to go back to my health care provider and talk about how I am doing on the Lexapro this week. And honestly, yesterday was so rough, I was a little worried. Not like breaking down crying rough, although I did shed a few tears of loneliness and left-outedness, but just slightly dark, hopeless thoughts. But I think that is just a little anger I am turning inward. It's hard to know how much to put on yourself, how much to put on others, and how much to just accept. I may be obnoxious, others may be excluding, and it may just be what it is, ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And I want to solve the problem, and...there may not be a solution. 

    It's the INFP thing. I focus on my feelings first, when I need to be approaching things with clarity and reason. It's rather self-centered of me really. I don't even know how to step outside of myself to put the focus on others, because I keep getting sucked back into my head. I probably need a cheat sheet or mantra to retrain my brain. Which, by the way, has been muddled lately. My thoughts haven't been making their way out of my head and I have been vague and searching in my speech. I think I need to exercise more and PRACTICE TALKING more. But I struggle because I don't want to bother others or force myself on them, especially if I am going through a being annoying phase. Which I am. I feel like my choices are be aloof and seem unfriendly, or be open and obnoxious. I am struggling finding mature warmth, which must be in me somewhere. I think the obnoxiousness is a coping mechanism which is ultimately detrimental. I am not sure I was BORN INFP. I think I just became that way. It could also be ISFness. I feel I do lack in creativity. It's introverted feeling driving me, anyway.  I feel I disappoint others when they get to know me. 

    Anyway, that was long and boring and I am just frustrated because I am not being my best self and I am not sure the Lexapro is helping. I HAVE been more patient with my own kids, but I haven't been Ubering this week. The real test is when I get back from Ubering and the house is destroyed, how will I handle it? Will I yell or be rational and in-charge. 

    My work plan is to spend the week planning out the rest of the quarter as best as I can. I love the planning aspect, though I need a lot of support this year, because I don't understand the best pacing. I want to plan beyond just worksheet tasks and just lecturing. I need to get them students more involved in what is happening. So I think I want to have more whiteboard time, and games, and tasks cards. Just get them moving a little more and having a little more fun. I think my fear is managing all the body movement. But I have to stop fearing and start practicing it. I have to be in the moment more and have confidence in my own authority, without being too arrogant about it. 

    I probably should use spring break to do some projects. I need to repaint some rooms. The boys are always running their hands on the walls. Really my front door frame is sliding, but I don't know how to fix that, and can't really afford to have it done. It's embarrassing though. You know, I don't want the imaginary people dropping by for all my imaginary social events to see it. I don't think I am going to get the broken garage door fixed this year unless I get June and July jobs. I need to repaint it though, and see if I can rubber mallet it into better shape though. The other door works. I really need to have the broken furniture littering half the garage hauled off, but noone has a truck anymore. Maybe I will find someone in Facebook Marketplace who is hauling this week. I don't think I will attempt a garden this year. Maybe some tomatoes. I have just been half-heartedly doing it the last few years, and definitely not recouping the expense I am putting into it. I haven't gotten a summer school job yet, so fingers crossed something amazing happens. I really would like to work June and July. July is only online, but I am down for it. We'll see. If I didn't get one, I would have to deliver a lot of food. We'll see what happens. It's all good. All good, folks.

    Well, no deep thoughts here. Just shame and realization tonight. But hey, it's a start! Keeping the eyes open and not falling back into that half-conscious slumbering thought reality-that is the real challenge.

Have a great Saturday!