The End is Near

  

Photo by Bruce Kee on Unsplash

  The end of spring break has come. It has been a lazy spring break. I napped a lot, did a few small projects, and took the kids to do things they liked. There was no grand vacation, no private get-away. I slept later than I intended most days (and by later, I mean six or so).

     I think the best person to be is the person you are when it is just you and your family for awhile. There is a quiet peace in leaning back and just letting your life unfold. When your days are filled with the basics-and there is no pressure to be or seem a certain way. I love it when I can read what I want without worrying about being impressive or wise. I love it when I can watch what I want, without needing to explain why I like the things I do (though, let me tell you, my mind is often pondering that one!). What content to move quietly through the day, from cup of coffee to cup of coffee, pattering sock-footed through the house (my floors are too dirty to go barefooted. I need a maid or a housewife to take care of me), from bedroom to library to deck to family room (generally, my introverted self is trying to slip away from the others in the house-and they follow me). 

    Oh, it hasn't been perfect. A half dozen disappointments, hurt feelings, and half-formed worries pull at the back of my head. I am playing with the line of open honesty and self-protection. To feel is to dance dangerously on the edge of despair. To shut off those feelings is to lose the ability to love. Sometimes a regret slips in and I consider it and find myself surprisingly close to tears. How quickly they can fall at times. And yet, I feel so closed off and only half-alive. Not one of the truly living who dance in the spotlight of life. How is it that one can shun attention and crave it so badly? How contradictory is this world! How odd to be so mouselike and so very proud and vain.

    Anyway, I haven't done my sweat treatments one time this week. I am so annoyed with myself, but I hate doing it. I will regret it when my hands are slick with sweat while I am working though. I have gone almost completely off wine. It tastes gross suddenly. That's fine. Who needs the extra calories? I am supposed to get my bloodwork done tomorrow, but I don't want to miss the first morning back. I will have to pay otherwise, though. Oh well. I don't feel like fasting and filling out sub plans. 

    Tomorrow. A little over two more months before the next break. I can do this. I do love to work anyway.