February Musings

Musings is a lovely word, but this is really just the groans of a middle-aged woman. Be forewarned.

 I keep waking up with a headache. I think I am grinding my teeth at night. I did that a lot as a child, and I feel a lot of pressure. Most of the pain is in my forehead. It will pass. Of course, part of me wonders if it carbon monoxide, but the kids aren't complaining. I need to get a monitor, I suppose. Now, Gabe wakes up sick/hurt/dying on most school days and I have to mentally prepare for the begging to stay home, but this is real pain. 

I have switched back to half-caff coffee and it is just not as satisfying. I don't get that "Ahhhhhh," hit of caffeine first thing in the morning. But I do find that too much caffeine makes me too anxious, and I love to sip hot beverages all day.

I am really and officially old now. My NP has prescribed me with supplements to take. Two iron pills a day and one Vitamin D a week. Apparently this was supposed to start after some bloodwork last August, but I missed the message somehow. I finally went back and asked for something for the PMDD. I used Lexapro in my 30s, so I asked for that. It makes me a little sad, because my independent nature wants to handle "all by myself!" but I found I was really being too cranky with my kids, and that overrides my pride. We'll see how it goes. I have had 4 doses and haven't really noticed a difference at this point.

I was making my gross coffee this morning and remembered how I had planned to buy myself an espresso maker. I thought about cramming that into my budget, and feeling sad for my lower middle class status, but then I remembered....literally children are being blown apart across the world. I can live without an espresso maker. At least until I can afford to pay for it without credit. Same for my wardrobe. I am not saying I should deprive myself, but not having money for new spring clothes? Not a tragedy.

These iron pills make me want to vomit. I never took them in pregnancy because of that, but I didn't seem to need them back then. I used to use cast iron pots and pans that I had bought for myself from Fingerhut when I was 18 or so because of course I planned this Little House on the Prairie existence and I was preparing for that.

I am completely exhausted. Utterly exhausted. Saturday morning I woke early, worked a few hours and then just stopped. I literally just lounged and napped and fed my brain a diet of social media and celebrity gossip (I am not even that into that-I was that...gone). It was really wonderful.

Yesterday we went to Tierney's baby shower which was held at her in-laws. I felt bad that I couldn't do it, but I feel some shame over my house. First of all, my garage door. Tierney/Jake hit it once, and I hit it again, and now one of the doors isn't working, and is slightly out of shape. On top of that the neighbor kids grabbed spray paint from my garage once and sprayed the door. I scrubbed most of it, but haven't had the energy to repaint the door, which will end up being both doors because they have to match. I also have decision paralysis in regards to which paint color to get. Also, my house if 50 years old almost, and the front door needs reframed. It's visibly slipping. Add to that, the damage the kiddos have done to the kitchen floor, and...now my head knows if it is clean and kept, I shouldn't worry too much over the wear and tear. I wouldn't judge someone over not having thousands of dollars to make an old house look new. But it also needs repainted, as the kids ALWAYS put their hands on the walls, and that is a simple fix and I should just do it. I would judge over that.

My head hurts. My glasses are hurting my eyes/nose. `I almost threw up that iron pill. Twice a day, I have to take it. I don't want to take pain reliever because I have heard that can have a rebound effect as your body gets used to taking it often. I am will just relax and tough it out. Sometimes it just blows my mind what people had to deal with  in the past. Strep without antibiotics. UTI's without antibiotics. Just prolonged misery until their body healed...or died. We romanticize the past, but it was brutal.