Aarrrgggghhhhh-The things that suck

The sun is shining-why does the world hurt so?

It's been hard today. I took the kids to visit their grandparents and dad-this time we met them a little over halfway in a small town. We had lunch at a Mexican restaurant to celebrate Karl's birthday and then went to a small arcade for them to play games. Their grandpa appears on his last legs-he stayed outside because the air conditioning was too cold for him. Their dad is rapidly failing as well. His teeth are so bad I can barely look at him (focusing hard on the eyes helps), his walk is slow and lumbering and he has strong tremors from his meds. I have known these people nearly two decades now-over a third of my life- and it hard to see them like this. 

And always during the drive home I am hit with the memory of all the drives home when I wasn't driving-when their dad was with us. I don't think it is sadness-just nostalgia. Just what ifs and why nots clogging at my brain. I miss the good times, but the bad times were too bad. There is no going back, but it isn't what I wanted when I was making decisions. And everyone has to die, but it is so hard to watch. It's so hard to see the threads slowly unraveling the tapestry of another person's life. The threads that were interwoven to your own tapestry, loosening and drooping away. A color fading away from yours.

Liam needs to get his license. He doesn't even have his permit yet, but at some point he will be the one driving the boys to see their dad. He doesn't like it. He told me he feels his dad isn't able to think as clearly as he once did and they don't have the stimulating conversations they once had. 

I suppose we get locked into repeating movies and series because the chemicals are predictable. I can watch something and know warm fuzzies are coming. When the world feels far away and cold, I know the images and words of a familiar show will numb the discomfort and give me a touch of pleasant relief. It's the familiarity-these people are mine for just a short time.